COOKING - WHAT GOES IN MUST COME OUT!

Someone has played a trick on me! My daughter told me I am tagged to tell me "8 Cooking Secrets"! This is an important time in history for the cooking world. Listen carefully Rachel Ray and Paula Dean - the Donaldson empire is about to crumble! My eight cooking secrets include:
1) NEVER COOK WHEN YOU CAN EAT OUT. THAT IS WHY DAVE AND HIS WIFE HAD BABY WENDY - TO START A RESTAURANT. THAT IS WHY COLONEL SANDERS WASN'T HOMELESS - HIS WIFE LET HIM DO THE COOKING, SAID IT WAS TOO GREASY, AND BOUGHT HIM ANOTHER HOUSE TO COOK IN FOR OTHERS. THAT IS WHY THAT LITTLE CHIHAUHAU (?) HAD A JOB WITH TACO BELL AND WASN'T IN THE DOG POUND BEING YOU KNOW WHAT BY THE BIG PIT BULL. PEOPLE EAT OUT TO HELP SUPPORT THE WORLD. REMEMBER THE SONG "WE ARE THE WORLD, WE ARE THE CHILDREN, WE ARE THE ONES WHO MAKE A BRIGHTER DAY SO LET'S START EATING......
2) I PLAY GAMES. IF WE ARE EATING DINNER AND SOMEONE FINDS A HAIR IN THEIR FOOD, PLACE IT ON THE SAUCER SET OUT BY EACH PERSON'S PLATE. AT THE END OF THE MEAL, THE PERSON WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF HAIRS HAS TO DO THE DISHES.
3) MY DAUGHTER CASSIDY SAYS I SHOULD BE A LITTLE MORE SERIOUS. SHE THINKS I SHOULD MENTION CHICK FIL A, CHEESY CHICKEN WREATH, KIM'S CAFE (WHERE WE ALL ATE BACK IN THE POOR DAYS), SALMON PATTIES THAT I SAID WERE HAMBURGERS, SOUP,CHIPS, AND DRINK LUNCHES, AND A MYRIAD OF OTHER BORING SECRETS.

4) TELL YOU FAMILY YOU ARE GOING TO COOKING SCHOOL TO IMPROVE YOUR VARIETY. CASSIDY HAS JUST MENTIONED THAT I AM EXCELLENT AT TACOS, POTATO SOUP, SPAGHETTI, TACOS, POTATO SOUP, AND SPAGHETTI. THANK YOU DAUGHTER OF MINE. THAT IS WHY MY FRIEND AND I TRAVELLED TO ALBUQUERQUE - FOR "COOKING SCHOOL". THERE'S THE SCHOOL - WAY UP ON THE MOUNTAIN.
5) MAY BE OFF THE SUBJECT, BUT WHILE YOU ARE THERE - HOOK UP WITH AN ATTRACTIVE NATIVE AMERICAN, RIDE THE WILD LOBOS, AND NEVER COME BACK HOME! THAT WILL CERTAINLY TEACH YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO COOK FOR THEMSELVES. AND HOW TO PAY YOUR BILLS - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


6) WHILE YOU ARE AT "COOKING SCHOOL" EXPLORE THE BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND EAT OUT ALL YOU CAN. THAT WILL HELP YOU LEARN WHAT YOU MAY OR MAY NOT WANT TO COOK AT HOME. AND DON'T CALL HOME WHILE YOU ARE AWAY - YOU MAY FIND OUT THAT YOUR FAMILY IS STANDING OVER BY I-85 WITH SIGNS THAT SAY "WILL WORK FOR NEW MOM"


7) TRY TO WIN MONEY TO PURCHASE GROCERIES THAT IMPROVE IMMUNITY OR SAVE YOUR HEART, LUNGS, PROSTATE, BONES, AND BRAIN. THESE FOODS MUST ALSO BE ORGANIC AND NOT PRODUCED FROM ANIMALS THAT HAVE BEEN LIVING OUTSIDE AND NOT SLEEPING ON A KINGSIZE BED. THESE ANIMALS MUST BE FED BETTER THAN YOUR OWN FAMILY AND BE GIVEN A GLASS OF WINE TO WARD OFF OLD AGE AND SENILITY EACH EVENING BEFORE DRIFTING OFF TO A SYMPHONY LULLABY.

IF YOU WIN ANY MONEY, YOU HAVE LOTS OF CHOICES. YOU CAN TRY TO WIN MORE. YOU CAN USE IT TO REDECORATE YOUR KITCHEN - THAT COULD INSPIRE YOU TO DO MORE COOKING. YOU CAN SEND IT BACK HOME FOR FOOD WHILE YOU STAY AT "COOKING SCHOOL". YOU COULD BUY YOURSELF A SINGLE MAN IN ALASKA. OR YOU AND YOUR FRIEND CAN GO OUT TO EAT AT TUSCANOS, WHERE THEY JUST KEEP ON BRINGING YOU MEAT ON A STICK! AND YOU CAN EAT ALL YOU WANT - JUST LIKE SHONEY'S BUFFET!
8)IF EVERYTHING ELSE FAILS, THERE IS ALWAYS THE "I'VE WORKED ALL DAY AND I HAVE A HEADACHE! EAT SOME CEREAL AND MILK OR JUST STARVE! BESIDES, WHEN ARE YOU MOVING OUT? AND TAKE YOUR DOG WITH YOU! AND CLEAN THAT MESSY ROOM!(YOU KNOW I LOVE ALL MY CHILDREN!)
9)SOMETIMES THE BEST DINNERS MIGHT NOT BE WHAT THE AVERAGE PERSON SUSPECTS! HOW ABOUT HALLOWEEN CANDY? OR ICE CREAM PIE FROM A BIRTHDAY? OR MAYBE A FROSTY FROM WENDY'S WITH OREO COOKIES ALL CRUMBLED INSIDE!
MAYBE CHIPS AND DIP. DEPENDING ON HOW YOU LOOK AT IT, I'M POSITIVE YOU CAN GET ALL THE FOOD GROUPS AND MORE!
10) SUDDENLY I REALIZE THIS IS A LIST OF EIGHT. OH WELL, I GOT CARRIED AWAY. BESIDES, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. BECAUSE, WHAT GOES IN MUST COME OUT.
WE ARE REDUCED TO ONE TOILET IN MY HOUSE. THE OTHER BATHROOM LOOKS LIKE THIS:

BUT WE ARE WORKING ON IT. AND THAT'S WHY I SAY- SUPPORT WENDY, LITTLE TACO DOG, MOE, JOHNNY (AND HIS PIZZA), AND EVEN MACARONI GRILL AND OLIVE GARDEN ( THEY JUST GOT BLASTED BY THE "CENTER FOR SCIENCE IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST" FOR HAVING TONS OF FAT, CALORIES, AND SALT IN THEIR MEALS!!!!!!!) IT LEAVES YOU MORE TIME TO SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THE OFFICE AND GREY'S ANATOMY (ALTHOUGH I HATE TO BE THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS, THAT SHOW IS SOOOO FULL OF OPERATING ROOM MISTAKES!)
HASTA LA PASTA ONCE AGAIN!

EVERYBODY HAS A BABY -YEAH- WELL SO DO I!

Yeah, yeah....... All you young people have babies. And of course they are soooooo cute. Well, I have one too. Big Jordan! He's a good baby too! He lays around and does't bother anyone. He's the big black blob in the picture. Sometimes we call him "Pordy" or sometimes we call him "Hot Trash" cause he smells when he farts. But I never have to change a diaper! He scratches on my door when it is shut and he wants to come in my room. But sometimes- adults need some private time too. I have taught him to sleep all day and all night and he is poddy trained. Gosh, am I a great parent or what!

SOME BUNCH O'NUTS!

Hi there! Introducing my family is so simple. I've moved on to my mother and my sister. One of these pictures is MEMA. That is my mom. She drives slow and buys lots of things for my family. The other picture is Rosie or "Rumabean". She never answers my phone calls and is always busy. The other picture is me and my brother spying on everyone with our special eyesight. Watch out - we might be looking at you!

My Sunshine

This is one of the kids I have been trying to lock out of the house for years. I found her in a field on the outskirts of Larryville - over near the fair grounds. I think they were having the American Indian Festival that weekend. A big saucer looking object with feathers all around it flew over and spit out something that looked just like this picture. Ever since then, she's been eating "soup and chips" like crazy! She grew up quick, and it wasn't until she was older that I found out she was taking notes to take back to her home planet. Her goal here on Earth was to "work at Hooters and tour Georgia". I have been able to stymie that so far - good American that I am. I have forced her to attend college for 6 or so years and work at Johnny's Pizza! She never knew what hit her! One time I tortured her so that she read some of her notes to me. Something about Die! Die! Die! and how much she disliked me. I took all her amunition away from her and made her play with her sister, who was and still is - extremely bossy. That cured her of trying to overthrow me of my rule. She may be graduating from college soon. She found a cute boy to take as a specimen back to her real people. She rules him with a loud voice and a mean stare. He answers back with a quiet ignore. They get along great. Soon I will lock this alien out of the house and she will take her specimen and go to a new planet to live. Then I will miss her. But not her BIG LOUD BARKING DUMB DOG!

Introducing the Family to the World (not in any order so Cassidy won't get mad)

One of my kids that might or might not be adopted plays sports at a college. It is in another country called New Mexico. He plays baseball with a big brown ball he says is made of snake skin. He's real good. I found a couple of pictures of him, but when I saw them on the computer, I realized that they were not him - just some old pictures of relatives. I'll keep hunting. Hasta la Pasta.

Brad and Anjelina and Kimbo

This is my real family. We are really similar to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ..... with a few exceptions. The similarities are that we both beleive in the family bed. See - this picture proves it. Of course, I had to get out of the bed to take the picture. But once the picture was made, I jumped right back in and we spent the entire day watching movies, talking, playing games, pushing each other, wiping dog spit off, stealing pillows, smelling bad breath, slapping one another, cussing, and you know - having a wonderful day! Another way we are like the movie star couple is..... well, um....... I sort of look like Angelina Jolie and I am close to the same age. And we both have four children. I'm not sure which of mine are adopted though.
Of course, I am not married to Brad Pitt. In fact, I am not married to anyone. It is because my children have this bad habit of sticking out their tongue every time they meet someone. Then every time they start to talk, they have to say "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" three times first. So who wants to be married to someone with kids like that? But Officer Don from the Officer Don Club once said hi to me when I was a little girl! I also do not have the money that those rich sluts have (or at least that is what I tell my Kids!). So I think we are more alike than different. Maybe one day we can meet up for a dinner that they can pay for.

WHO ARE THESE FREAKS?

Now you might be thinking that some of these people are related to me. But no way. They are people I help get through their miserable lives to make each day better. I encourage them to continue living when they only want to lay down and rest their sleepy heads. I give them the hope to carry on and make a new start in their sad, pitiful lives. Usually, all I have to say is, "Get out there and get a job!" And they love me and appreciate all I do for them. Now the little babies, I don't make them work. I take care of them if they need help. Just not for long periods of time. That is a parent's job. Siren Ara!