COOKING - WHAT GOES IN MUST COME OUT!

Someone has played a trick on me! My daughter told me I am tagged to tell me "8 Cooking Secrets"! This is an important time in history for the cooking world. Listen carefully Rachel Ray and Paula Dean - the Donaldson empire is about to crumble! My eight cooking secrets include:
1) NEVER COOK WHEN YOU CAN EAT OUT. THAT IS WHY DAVE AND HIS WIFE HAD BABY WENDY - TO START A RESTAURANT. THAT IS WHY COLONEL SANDERS WASN'T HOMELESS - HIS WIFE LET HIM DO THE COOKING, SAID IT WAS TOO GREASY, AND BOUGHT HIM ANOTHER HOUSE TO COOK IN FOR OTHERS. THAT IS WHY THAT LITTLE CHIHAUHAU (?) HAD A JOB WITH TACO BELL AND WASN'T IN THE DOG POUND BEING YOU KNOW WHAT BY THE BIG PIT BULL. PEOPLE EAT OUT TO HELP SUPPORT THE WORLD. REMEMBER THE SONG "WE ARE THE WORLD, WE ARE THE CHILDREN, WE ARE THE ONES WHO MAKE A BRIGHTER DAY SO LET'S START EATING......
2) I PLAY GAMES. IF WE ARE EATING DINNER AND SOMEONE FINDS A HAIR IN THEIR FOOD, PLACE IT ON THE SAUCER SET OUT BY EACH PERSON'S PLATE. AT THE END OF THE MEAL, THE PERSON WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF HAIRS HAS TO DO THE DISHES.
3) MY DAUGHTER CASSIDY SAYS I SHOULD BE A LITTLE MORE SERIOUS. SHE THINKS I SHOULD MENTION CHICK FIL A, CHEESY CHICKEN WREATH, KIM'S CAFE (WHERE WE ALL ATE BACK IN THE POOR DAYS), SALMON PATTIES THAT I SAID WERE HAMBURGERS, SOUP,CHIPS, AND DRINK LUNCHES, AND A MYRIAD OF OTHER BORING SECRETS.

4) TELL YOU FAMILY YOU ARE GOING TO COOKING SCHOOL TO IMPROVE YOUR VARIETY. CASSIDY HAS JUST MENTIONED THAT I AM EXCELLENT AT TACOS, POTATO SOUP, SPAGHETTI, TACOS, POTATO SOUP, AND SPAGHETTI. THANK YOU DAUGHTER OF MINE. THAT IS WHY MY FRIEND AND I TRAVELLED TO ALBUQUERQUE - FOR "COOKING SCHOOL". THERE'S THE SCHOOL - WAY UP ON THE MOUNTAIN.
5) MAY BE OFF THE SUBJECT, BUT WHILE YOU ARE THERE - HOOK UP WITH AN ATTRACTIVE NATIVE AMERICAN, RIDE THE WILD LOBOS, AND NEVER COME BACK HOME! THAT WILL CERTAINLY TEACH YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO COOK FOR THEMSELVES. AND HOW TO PAY YOUR BILLS - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


6) WHILE YOU ARE AT "COOKING SCHOOL" EXPLORE THE BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND EAT OUT ALL YOU CAN. THAT WILL HELP YOU LEARN WHAT YOU MAY OR MAY NOT WANT TO COOK AT HOME. AND DON'T CALL HOME WHILE YOU ARE AWAY - YOU MAY FIND OUT THAT YOUR FAMILY IS STANDING OVER BY I-85 WITH SIGNS THAT SAY "WILL WORK FOR NEW MOM"


7) TRY TO WIN MONEY TO PURCHASE GROCERIES THAT IMPROVE IMMUNITY OR SAVE YOUR HEART, LUNGS, PROSTATE, BONES, AND BRAIN. THESE FOODS MUST ALSO BE ORGANIC AND NOT PRODUCED FROM ANIMALS THAT HAVE BEEN LIVING OUTSIDE AND NOT SLEEPING ON A KINGSIZE BED. THESE ANIMALS MUST BE FED BETTER THAN YOUR OWN FAMILY AND BE GIVEN A GLASS OF WINE TO WARD OFF OLD AGE AND SENILITY EACH EVENING BEFORE DRIFTING OFF TO A SYMPHONY LULLABY.

IF YOU WIN ANY MONEY, YOU HAVE LOTS OF CHOICES. YOU CAN TRY TO WIN MORE. YOU CAN USE IT TO REDECORATE YOUR KITCHEN - THAT COULD INSPIRE YOU TO DO MORE COOKING. YOU CAN SEND IT BACK HOME FOR FOOD WHILE YOU STAY AT "COOKING SCHOOL". YOU COULD BUY YOURSELF A SINGLE MAN IN ALASKA. OR YOU AND YOUR FRIEND CAN GO OUT TO EAT AT TUSCANOS, WHERE THEY JUST KEEP ON BRINGING YOU MEAT ON A STICK! AND YOU CAN EAT ALL YOU WANT - JUST LIKE SHONEY'S BUFFET!
8)IF EVERYTHING ELSE FAILS, THERE IS ALWAYS THE "I'VE WORKED ALL DAY AND I HAVE A HEADACHE! EAT SOME CEREAL AND MILK OR JUST STARVE! BESIDES, WHEN ARE YOU MOVING OUT? AND TAKE YOUR DOG WITH YOU! AND CLEAN THAT MESSY ROOM!(YOU KNOW I LOVE ALL MY CHILDREN!)
9)SOMETIMES THE BEST DINNERS MIGHT NOT BE WHAT THE AVERAGE PERSON SUSPECTS! HOW ABOUT HALLOWEEN CANDY? OR ICE CREAM PIE FROM A BIRTHDAY? OR MAYBE A FROSTY FROM WENDY'S WITH OREO COOKIES ALL CRUMBLED INSIDE!
MAYBE CHIPS AND DIP. DEPENDING ON HOW YOU LOOK AT IT, I'M POSITIVE YOU CAN GET ALL THE FOOD GROUPS AND MORE!
10) SUDDENLY I REALIZE THIS IS A LIST OF EIGHT. OH WELL, I GOT CARRIED AWAY. BESIDES, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. BECAUSE, WHAT GOES IN MUST COME OUT.
WE ARE REDUCED TO ONE TOILET IN MY HOUSE. THE OTHER BATHROOM LOOKS LIKE THIS:

BUT WE ARE WORKING ON IT. AND THAT'S WHY I SAY- SUPPORT WENDY, LITTLE TACO DOG, MOE, JOHNNY (AND HIS PIZZA), AND EVEN MACARONI GRILL AND OLIVE GARDEN ( THEY JUST GOT BLASTED BY THE "CENTER FOR SCIENCE IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST" FOR HAVING TONS OF FAT, CALORIES, AND SALT IN THEIR MEALS!!!!!!!) IT LEAVES YOU MORE TIME TO SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THE OFFICE AND GREY'S ANATOMY (ALTHOUGH I HATE TO BE THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS, THAT SHOW IS SOOOO FULL OF OPERATING ROOM MISTAKES!)
HASTA LA PASTA ONCE AGAIN!